Calvary Road Baptist Church
“PASTORAL PULPIT COUNSEL FOR WIVES” Part 2
Genesis 2.18-24
Parts one through fourteen of “PASTORAL PULPIT COUNSEL FOR WIVES,” which I delivered last Sunday morning, have been uploaded to the CalvaryRoadBaptist.Church website, just as parts 15 through 26 will soon be uploaded. Within the next few weeks, the two parts will be combined in a printed brochure available for you to read and pass on to friends to infuriate them with my summary of Bible truths about marriage.
Time constraints have prevented me from supplying the full measure of Scriptural support for each of the main points already presented and that I will present at this time, but anyone familiar with the concepts of marriage and family taught in God’s Word will recognize this material as reflecting a Biblical view of marriage and the family, even if they disagree with it.
Anyone who has a working knowledge of Bible truth is familiar with the concept of a functional hierarchy. A functional hierarchy exists within the Triune Godhead, just as prescribed for husbands and wives in Scripture, First Corinthians 11.3.
The notion of a functional hierarchy does not denigrate the person occupying the functionally subordinate role. As the Second Person of the Godhead, the Lord Jesus Christ, is functionally subordinate to the First Person, Jesus being functionally subordinate to God the Father, so are wives functionally subordinated to their husbands in God’s economy.
This in no way suggests inferiority or the diminished value of women to men, for two reasons: First, as Jesus is functionally subordinate to God the Father, He is not inferior to His heavenly Father, and to suggest that He departs from historic Christian orthodoxy. Second, men and women are positively declared to be equal in the sight of God while occupying different but complementary roles in the functional hierarchy of marriage and the home, Galatians 3.28.
Is Jesus inferior to the Father because He is functionally subordinate to Him? Not at all. Is Jesus in any way denigrated by humbly occupying His position relative to the Father? Not at all. The same is true in a Christian marriage and home.
As the first fifteen points I provided last time reflect the truth of a functional hierarchy in marriage and the home, properly applied, the final eleven points will likewise reflect the same:
Sixteenth, P FOR PARDON HIM
Most of us remember our dear sister in Christ, Julie Carlsberg. I loved her like the precious sister in Christ and Church member she was, and I remember her as a brilliant woman who loved and sought to glorify God. We often talked and prayed as she bowed before our wonderful Savior.
On more than one occasion, she mentioned that she wanted nothing more than to marry and be a godly man’s devoted wife, but in her opinion, it was not likely to happen. I repeatedly agreed with her, and she asked me why, seeking reinforcement and compassion.
I would then rehearse to her how very sensitive a woman she was, and through tears and with a smile, she agreed. I pointed out how often different individuals she liked and loved had inadvertently grieved and wounded her, which she acknowledged. And then I spent considerable time pointing out to her the undeniable brutishness and insensitivity of even the best of men.
I told her that God loved her so much that He had spared her unimaginable pain and suffering by setting before her a single life to live. Lonely? To be sure. Suffering associated without having a loving and protecting husband? Oh, my, yes. Without the consolation of children? God gave her the consolation of His Son, Jesus Christ.
In this, God lovingly and wisely spared Julie the inadvertent heartache that even a well-intentioned Christian man can often bring into his precious wife’s life. Sometimes intentionally. Usually unintentionally. What is required is a wife who can deal with pain, disappointment, heartache, and the sometimes frequent unintentional and occasionally intentional insensitivity of her husband. There is more of that than many never-married women realize. Because of the nature of so many marriages (even with a believing husband), a Christian wife must be a very forgiving woman, her love covering a multitude of sins her man is not even aware of. How much more difficult is it when a Christian woman is married to a man who holds grudges, a man who harbors grievances, a man who refuses to forgive slights, and a man who cultivates issues in his personal grievances garden? Still, she is called upon to forgive without always being asked.
In addition, who would deny that some women are themselves vindictive grudge-holders? I have always thought that those cultures that have been famous for holding grudges for generations, like the Scotch-Irish Hatfields and McCoys and the Sicilians, embrace what psychologists frequently identify as feminine characteristics. Even if that is not the case, a Christian wife cannot be someone who holds a grudge but must be willing to pardon her husband without seeking revenge.
And why not hold a grudge? Ephesians 4.32:
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Seventeenth, Q FOR QUALIFY HIM
To Timothy, the Apostle Paul mentioned the role of a pastor’s or deacon’s wife qualifies or disqualifies her husband to serve in those offices. A bishop must rule his house, First Timothy 3.4-5, a qualification no man married to a mouthy and contentious wife can meet. And deacons’ wives must be “grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things” First Timothy 3.11. There is nothing a Christian man can directly do to qualify himself for those offices if his wife refuses to yield to his rule, and in the case of deacons, if she is not grave, if she is a slanderer, if she is not sober, and if she is not faithful.
Many people make a mistake about qualifications for an office versus calling to an office. Every wife should ensure her husband is not disqualified because of her character or conduct. The only reason the good husband of a good wife is not a pastor or a deacon is that he is not called to those positions because his wife qualifies him and does not disqualify him. Every husband should be spared the thought, “I might have been a pastor or a deacon, but for my wife.”
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Eighteenth, R FOR RECEIVE HIM
Imagine life for many Christian women in the first century in Philippi, Thessalonica, Ephesus, Rome, Athens, and Corinth. So many of the earliest Gentile believers in Christ had been or still were slaves, with the accompanying horror of their abuse at the hands of their masters from early on in their childhoods. Paul wrote, in First Corinthians 1.26-28,
26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:
27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;
28 And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:
I need not elaborate to anyone here what traumatic experiences so many of those Christian men and women were exposed to growing up at the hands of their brutal and sadistically perverted masters. What it must have been like, then, for those believers having come to Christ to enter into marriage and interact with their spouse voluntarily rather than what they had grown up experiencing involuntarily and forcefully.
Understanding and recognizing that no child of God is required to consent to marriage and is not required by coercion to consent to anything, the Apostle Paul nevertheless urged Christian husbands and wives, regardless of their previous horrible experiences, to be receptive to their partner’s intimacy needs (First Corinthians 7.2-7).
How was this possible? Never hold anyone responsible for what someone else has done to you. There are Christians and Church members who routinely deprive themselves of blessings from pastors and other Church members because they cannot get past how someone once treated them long ago. It is their loss and very tragic while being unnecessary. Think this through.
What I suggest for your consideration as wives I also recommend for the consideration of you who are or will be husbands that your default decision regarding intimacy with your spouse is to be receptive to him. “But I have a right to say, ‘No!’” You most certainly do have that right. But the least hurtful and most appropriate time for saying “No!” to the man who will be your husband is before he becomes your spouse when you decide whether or not to marry him. Once you marry him, you are privileged to receive him as the only member of the human race who God authorizes to bless him, as only you can.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Nineteenth, S FOR SALUTE HIM
When I was a teenager in central Oregon, my father came home one day with a funny story about what had happened earlier that afternoon. One of the government employees who worked in his secretary pool had met and was marrying a central Oregon cowboy, and my dad attended the wedding. A local judge officiated the ceremony. After saying a few words, the judge pronounced the two husband and wife and then said to the cowboy groom, “You may salute your bride,” he snapped to attention and gave her a perfect military-style salute. The judge then said, “No, no. Kiss the woman. Kiss the woman!” So, he kissed her.
In reality, both of the things the newly married cowboy did were salutes to his bride. One way of saluting is to render a military-style salute. Another way of saluting is to kiss, either on both cheeks (eastern and central European style), or to kiss on the lips (husband and wife style in the West). But there are a variety of other ways one can salute another person. Some cultures feature a bowing at the waist, while others typically put the hands together with a slight nod. Among Koreans, there is the extended right hand to shake, with the left hand touching the right forearm, accompanied by a slight bow. In the United States, we typically shake our right hands with a firm grip, an embrace growing in popularity.
A salute is an act, word, or gesture that expresses welcome, honor, or respect.[1]I believe that is what the Apostle Peter called for from even Christian wives married to unsaved men in First Peter 3.1-6, especially the final verse, where he reminds his readers,
“Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
Sarah saluted her husband, surprising some. Abraham had, after all, been a disappointing husband, to put it mildly. Yet, despite his many shortcomings, some of which put her life at risk, she still saluted him, “calling him lord.”[2] That is, she honored him, showing him respect and conducting herself toward him according to the way she wanted him to behave rather than the way he had behaved. She was not a despicable woman who retaliated toward her husband spitefully and vengefully, despite him sometimes acting despicably.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twentieth, T FOR TELL HIM
There ought always to be an open line of communication between husbands and wives. After all, Proverbs 27.5 establishes that any kind of talking is better over time than the silent treatment:
“Open rebuke is better than secret love.”
I am not suggesting that it is always better for a wife to speak her mind, even if spouting off is the result. Both Old and New Testaments show the wickedness of contentious speech:
Proverbs 21.19:
“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”
Proverbs 26.21:
“As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.”
Proverbs 27.15:
“A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.”
Romans 2.8:
“But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath,”
1 Cor 11.16:
“But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God.”
As before, when I recommended Exhort, Inform, and Magnify your husband, this unsolicited advice also involves speech, emphasizing again what I already said under the heading Inform. Keep your husband apprised of the information he needs to function as the head of the house and as the leader of his wife and children.
Good decisions require accurate and timely information, and your observations of him over time will refine your anticipation of the timeliness, the quality, and the amount of information he feels comfortable with, which you will then tell him.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-first, U FOR UPHOLD/UPLIFT HIM
Is it to be expected that some of these patterns are duplications of what I have already suggested? That should be no surprise since important things usually bear repeating.[3]
After a fashion, a Christian woman should seek to pattern herself after Aaron and Hur. Do you remember those two men who were so helpful to Moses during the battle against the Amalekites?
Israel prevailed as Moses held up his hands, but Amalek prevailed when he lowered his hands because of fatigue, Exodus 17.11-12.
What did Aaron and Hur do when Moses faltered? They sat Moses down and held up his hands until sundown, and Joshua led the children of Israel to victory, Exodus 17.13.
Do you not think that is a valid picture of a wife supporting her husband by upholding him and uplifting him in his spiritual struggles? I do. And, as a Christian wife, you can accomplish that role while he takes the brunt of the spiritual assaults hurled against his family.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-second, V FOR VALIDATE HIM
Let me use the word validate to provide proof or confirmation.[4] People who know your man will make estimates of his character as a husband. That happens. People will evaluate his worth as a protector and as a provider. You, as his wife, have the opportunity to validate, verify, establish by your comments, and conduct the accuracy of other people’s thoughts about him.
This is seen in Proverbs 31.23, where we read of the virtuous woman,
“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.”
Understand that, as a wife, you are not to engage in creative writing or spinning yarns with untrue stories when validating your husband. A loser is a loser is a loser, and you should not be put in the position by your guy of having to write fiction to show your husband in a good light. Both you and your husband must be aware that, on his own,
“he sitteth among the elders of the land.”
While you can add to his reputation, he must have his own reputation for you to add to.
This speaks of a wife bragging on her man about what he can legitimately be bragged about. You cannot insist that he is godly if he does not read God’s Word and lead the family in prayer. You cannot express gratitude for his willingness to work hard unless he does work hard. You can and should brag on a hard-working man for working hard. You can call attention to the fact that he exhausts himself for his family. My mom used to comment that she had never known a man who worked harder than my dad. It is on the husband to give his wife the raw materials to work with to validate him. And he does himself no favors by tearing down his wife or criticizing her to shore up his own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-third, W FOR WAIT ON HIM
I have always been among those committed to the proposition that a wife who treats her husband like a king has every right to expect him to treat her like a queen. If a man who is treated like a king does not treat his wife like a queen, he is a scoundrel and deserves to hear comments from other men regarding the disrespectful way he treats his wife. Excuse me, but I will voice my opinion to a man I see running down his fine Christian wife. How dare he speak against the mother of his children? How does he help his kids by running down their mother?
This recommendation is a parallel to the way a Christian woman talks to and about her husband. Christian women should talk to and about their husbands respectfully, with there being no legitimate reason for exceptions to this principle.
Along with the proper patterns of speech from a woman to and about her husband are the proper patterns of conduct, deportment, and propriety. When it came to this, my wife memorably surprised me shortly after we were married.
We knew each other for about three months before we married. It was a whirlwind courtship. And she had always conducted herself as a lady in my presence. But the meals we took together before marrying were always at restaurants, so I was flabbergasted at how she treated me when we returned from our honeymoon and ate alone for the first time. She treated me like an absolute king! I was overwhelmed. Why so? She waited on me in our home! I found that to be incredible! Was I impressed? Forty-nine years later, I am still impressed.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-fourth, X FOR EXPECTANCY
I know X FOR EXPECTANCY is not precisely acrostic, so give me a bit of slack. I mean well. But what do I mean by X FOR EXPECTANCY?
I would suggest that a Christian woman cultivate in her husband the conviction that she thinks about him, that he is on her mind, that she plans for and around him, that she does to and for him, as well, she tends to herself with respect to and in consideration for him.
What most husbands are like, I do not know. But this I know about me. It irritated me on those few and rare occasions when my wife seemed to discount my importance in her life. Understand, I have no interest in being her number one concern. I didn’t even mind not being her number two concern when Sarah was young. Caring for the things of God and for our daughter was perfectly fine with me. But I had a problem with fourth place, just like I now have a problem with third place. It is important to me to be important to her.
Thankfully, from time to time, and there is no pattern that I can detect, she spices up my life with a card here, a comment there, a notion some other time, and on occasion a little gift. It serves to remind me where I am in her pecking order, her priorities, and those expectancies from time to time are very much appreciated.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-fifth, Y FOR YEARN FOR HIM
Here is Biblical advice for two young adults who desire to spend their lives together as husband and wife and build a family but wonder what the proper timing for marriage is. Thankfully, the Word of God provides insight.
I will leave it to you to carefully study First Corinthians 7.1-9, but I want to point out the final phrase of that passage and offer two comments. Paul ended the passage by writing, “for it is better to marry than to burn.” This refers to a couple being physically attracted to one another and contemplating marriage. But when to marry? Since premarital intimacy is sinful and causes tremendous long-term damage to any relationship, Paul advised couples to hurry up and get married rather than risk the possibility of succumbing to temptation. That’s why I always write down marriage dates in my calendar in pencil and am always ready to conduct a hurry-up wedding to avoid many marriage counseling sessions later. Also interesting to note, the consideration valued by Paul was not convenience or personal finances. When deciding when to marry, pay relatively little attention to scheduling and whether or not you think you can afford marriage. The matter of profound and overriding importance to the apostle was appetite. How strong is your desire? That is the determining factor in deciding the timing of your marriage, to avoid at all costs sinning. Solve your problem by getting married sooner rather than later. Additionally, permission to refrain from intimacy is denied once you are married, verse 5. Therefore, it is easy for all but the mentally challenged to understand why I recommend to Christian wives that you yearn for your husbands. If you were not attracted to him when you married him, you deceived him since we have no one in our Church who would be the target of a gold digger. Yearn for him because I promise that he yearns for you.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twenty-sixth, Z FOR BE ZEALOUS FOR HIM
Zeal extends to issues far beyond physical intimacy and appetite. As I will use the word, it refers to being all in, to being seriously committed, to being invested in this man you are married to and in his welfare. You are always his ally or should be.
The English word zeal is found six times in the New Testament and is used in connection to the Lord and to both unsaved and Christian conduct.[5]
The term zήloV that it translates is found seventeen times, and several different English words translate it in addition to the word zeal. Depending on the context, it refers to both good and bad characteristics.[6]
What does the Greek word mean? It means either intense positive interest or intense negative feeling.[7]As always, and especially with this word, context rules.
May I draw parallels from the Lord Jesus Christ’s letter to the Laodiceans? Turn to Revelation 3.14-16, where we see the concept of zeal without the specific use of the actual word:
14 And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God;
15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.
Zeal has to do with intensity. Sometimes, the word is used with intensity bad, and at other times, with intensity good. Of course, I want to suggest that you Christian wives avoid being lukewarm toward your husbands at all costs, which is the absence of intensity, choosing to cultivate the attitude toward him of being zealous in a good sense.
“But I’ve lost that loving feeling,” to borrow a line from the Righteous Brothers.[8] Too bad. Deal with it. One does not fall in love or out of love, because love is not a bed, or a platform one can fall off. It is a decision that gives rise to a commitment.
Do you want to do right? Are you interested in glorifying God in your marriage? Have you become interested in being a good Christian wife? Here is the prescription. This is what the doctor ordered, Proverbs 16.3:
“Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.”
Wholeheartedly commit yourself to obedience and being a great wife, and as you obey God, by His grace He will make your thoughts conform to what they ought to be. The key is not to feel right and then do right, but to do right in order to feel right.
This principle was reflected in the Lord’s statement in John 7.17, where He said,
“If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”
Obedience always precedes right feelings, whether the matter be one of Bible doctrine or being a good Christian wife to your husband.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
This concludes my acrostic two-part sermon containing recommendations to girls, women, wives, and mothers. My recommendations are reasonable, rational, responsible, and reflect Christian thought as informed by the Word of God for the last two thousand years.
I would be surprised to discover that anyone not in wholehearted concurrence with my recommendations be someone other than a feminist, or a pathetic imitation of an adult male, or a woefully uninformed boy. I make no apology for believing the Bible to be true. I embrace the notion that men and women, specifically husbands and wives, are designed by God to occupy distinct but complimentary roles in marriage.
Husbands are charged by God to be heads in the functional hierarchy and wives are charged by God to be functionally subordinate to their husbands, while have equal standing and worth in the sight of God.[9]
My recommendations are motivated by an earnest desire to see married couples thrive, to see husbands and wives grow throughout their years of marriage, and to reflect well the relationship of Christ to His Church by observing the relationships existing with our husbands and wives.
First and foremost in all this, of course, there must be a vital relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ, that relationship nurtured in both husband and wife so that the three parties in every Christian marriage (the Savior, the husband, and the wife) can harmoniously live for, love, and fruitfully serve God.
__________
[1] Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 1996), page 1601.
[2] Abraham sired Ishmael by Hagar (Genesis 16.4), and on two occasions lied to protect himself while endangering Sarah (Genesis 12.13-20; 20.2-13).
[3] Isaiah 28.10, 13
[4]Webster’s, page 2017.
[5] John 2.17; Romans 10.12; 2 Corinthians 7.11; 9.2; Philippians 3.6; Colossians 4.13
[6] John 2.17; Acts 5.17; 13.45; Romans 10.2; 13.13; 1 Corinthians 3.3; 2 Corinthians 7.7, 11; 9.2; 11.2; 12.20; Galatians 5.20; Philippians 3.6; Colossians 4.13; Hebrews 10.27; James 3.14, 16
[7] Bauer, page 427.
[8] https://youtu.be/uOnYY9Mw2Fg?si=HbacRBcsMRkUGu2n
[9] 1 Corinthians 11.3; Galatians 3.28
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