Calvary Road Baptist Church
“PASTORAL PULPIT COUNSEL FOR WIVES” Part 1
Genesis 2.18-24
Does anyone here doubt that the fabric of our civilization is unraveling, that our culture is collapsing, that the rule of law is no longer in force, and that the ancient landmarks have been moved?[1] If you have ever been to the beach and experienced the surf washing the sand from under your bare feet, you understand why it is essential to build your house on a solid foundation rather than on the shifting sand, as the foolish do.[2]
So, it ought to be with your life. Nothing in this world is stable. Over the past few years, we have been shown what the Bible has always asserted: that our nation is not stable, our culture is not stable, our livelihoods are not stable, our health is not stable, and even the best-planned set-asides for old age and retirement are not stable.
Would you be so naive as to imagine that your marriage and family will always be guaranteed to be stable? Studies show that in most marriages, the wives are not nearly as happy as their husbands and are far more likely to file for divorce than are husbands. Guys, that should be a heads-up for you.
“A new study called ‘Relationships in America’ by The Austin Institute surveyed over 15,000 adults, seeking an answer to that very question. New Study Says Women Are More Likely Than Men To Be Unhappy In Their Marriages, by Taryn Hillin, huffingtonpost.com, July 11, 2014.”[3] “Women may also suffer more in marriage than men, experiencing physical and emotional abuse at higher rates.”[4] I could go on and on, but you get the picture. The country is unstable. The culture is unstable. The job market is unstable. The rule of law is no longer a thing anymore. The Democrat party has just conducted a coup against the president of the United States, one of their own party members.[5] Yet, do you imagine your marriage and family are promised stability? Please.
I am a child of God and a joint heir of the Son.[6] I am a stranger and pilgrim, occupying my temporary part in history as God unfolds His plan, raises up and ruins nations and empires, fulfilling His eternal plan.[7] I know my part in God’s plan for the ages. His plan has been for me to repent of my sins and turn to Christ, being elect according to the foreknowledge of God. His plan was then for me to live my life as a Christian, to be a husband, a father, and a pastor. But I do not know for how long I will remain alive on this earth, be the husband of my wife, the father of my daughter, or the pastor of this Church.
Because I know who holds tomorrow, I am not afraid of addressing these issues. While my relationship with Christ remains stable in the midst of everything else being unstable, I am called to faithfulness and perseverance.[8] Faithfulness as a Gospel minister and man, and perseverance in the faith.
Over the course of more than four decades of offering spiritual leadership to two different congregations, my objective has been to point folks to Christ and equip saints for service, which is the ministry of an under-shepherd.[9] Part of that equipping ministry includes teaching Christian men how to be men, husbands, and fathers and teaching Christian women how to be women, wives, and mothers.
Though I have of late mainly attended to boys, men, husbands, and fathers, this series of messages is directed to girls, women, wives, and mothers. Who has not observed that both men and women are adrift in our society, exhibiting great confusion regarding their relationships with God, the Church, their spouses, and their children?
This two-part sermon will be an acrostic of pastoral advice. The Bible has twelve acrostic psalms, of which Psalm 119 is the most well-known.[10] Therefore, these messages will have twenty-six main points, in order related to a letter of the English alphabet, beginning with A and ending with Z.
Though intended to be recommendations to girls, women, wives, and mothers, these messages are also suitable for boys, men, husbands, and fathers to know what to expect and to encourage, as spiritual leaders, a home environment in which these recommendations are implemented for the benefit and success of girls and women who will become wives and for the advancement of those who already are.
For the female who is a sinner, I urge you to consider the claims of Christ, to turn to Jesus for salvation full and free, to submit to believer baptism and committed involvement in your Church’s ministry, and to seriously consider these recommendations if God’s plan for your life is marriage.
First, A FOR ACCOMMODATE HIM
By accommodate, I mean that you should, as a wife, fit, adapt, and make yourself suitable for your husband.[11] Would anyone who knows anything about the anatomy of a man and the anatomy of a woman question that God created women to accommodate their men and not vice versa?
Yet some men are so confused, weak, and ill-advised that they frustrate themselves by foolishly seeking to accommodate their wife’s demands. It is not your husband’s assignment to accommodate you, but your assignment includes accommodating him.
This is because it is not only Scripturally mandated that you accommodate him rather than he you, Genesis 2.18 and 20, and Colossians 3.18, but you will discover your greatest joy and fulfillment as a Christian wife, not by your husband accommodating you, but by you accommodating him.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Second, B FOR BEAR HIS CHILDREN
There is a difference between a godly woman marrying and wanting to marry and a godly woman bearing children and wanting to bear children. For various reasons, a wife whose value system reflects a Christian worldview and who genuinely loves her husband with a love that reflects Christ’s love for His Church will come to want to have her husband’s children.
That said, God’s plan for some women is not marriage, and God’s plan for some wives is not motherhood. To every sister in Christ, joy is provided, unspeakable and full of glory, whether she has been graced to be a wife or not or a mom. However, choosing not to bear children does not reflect the Bible truth that children are the heritage of the LORD (Psalm 127.3).
Who would argue with Elon Musk’s assessment that the greatest present threat to mankind is population collapse, or that the nations that are dying because of their commitment to sex without reproduction could possibly be a healthy state of affairs?
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Third, C FOR COLLABORATE WITH HIM
Marriage is a partnership. If your husband does not yet seek your counsel or listen to your advice about essential matters, over time, I guess that he will, unless he is a complete fool or has discovered that you are a complete fool.
I would only caution you to recognize that the Word of God assigns your husband an agenda you are called to help him fulfill. There is no indication in God’s Word that he is charged with helping you achieve your agenda, in part because wives need no such agenda help from their husbands.
There is nothing wrong with you seeking to fulfill your agenda, so long as it does not conflict with his agenda and your determination is to prioritize his agenda over yours. After all, your husband is your head and leader in the functional marriage hierarchy, First Corinthians 11.3 and Colossians 3.18.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Fourth, D FOR DEFEND HIM
Eve’s great flaw was her failure to support God’s command to her husband and defend Adam by resisting the serpent when he tempted her. Abigail’s great failing, though her appeal to David was spectacular and a model for making an appeal, was in not defending her foolish husband, Nabal.[12]
Why should a Christian wife defend her husband? There are three reasons that come to my mind. First, so long as your conduct and speech demonstrate that you are your husband’s supporter, you are unlikely to be his detractor simultaneously. There are few things worse than a wife who is contentious and criticizes her husband.[13] Few men are more pathetic than those who allow such contention and criticism from their wives. Second, God’s Word declares husbands and wives to be one flesh, Genesis 2.24. In other words, there is a wonderful unity created in marriage that is acted out in intimacy. How can a wife in such a situation not rise to defend her husband when the need arises? Only, sir, be mindful that she is not be called upon to do that frequently. Finally, what is triggered in the mind and heart of a husband whose wife defends him is incredible. That more women do not defend their husbands shows how little most women understand men and truly appreciate their husbands.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Fifth, E FOR EXHORT HIM
The word “exhort” is found fourteen times in the New Testament, translating the Greek term parakalέoo, which means to come alongside, to urge, to encourage.[14]
While the Lord Jesus Christ is our Comforter, and the Holy Spirit is also our Comforter, who is better positioned of those we interact with in this world to come alongside us for help, comfort, and exhortation than you who are wives?[15]
Your place is not standing in front of him and facing him to wag a disapproving finger but to stand beside him, your arm around his waist, your head leaning on his shoulder, facing the direction he is facing, and exhorting him to accomplish by faith in ministry what God wants for him.
What wife who loves her husband does not want him to become a discipler of other men, to grow in spiritual stature among his peers over time, and to age into one of the wise men whose counsel is sought?
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Sixth, F FOR FULFILL HIM
Closely associated with E For Exhort Him, a man’s wife goes so far as being the one human being in his life who can most effectively fulfill him.
How so? Expressions of appreciation and gratitude. Comments he overhears you make about him to others over the phone or in the next room that are complimentary to your family, your friends, his children, his friends, his family, and his colleagues. I have observed that men who feel they need attaboys from the pastor or other men are often the same guys who do not receive adequate fulfillment from their wives. What he gets from you he doesn’t typically need from anyone else because you supply it.
Sometimes, a godly wife recognizes God’s potential future for her husband even before his fears are overcome so that he sees his potential as a Christian man and leader. So, she encourages him to spend time with seasoned Christian men who will mentor, teach, and guide him toward enhanced spiritual leadership, awaiting his future growth and development. She seeks his comments as her go-to guy for Bible truth.[16] She is his cheerleader. It is a selfish and shortsighted wife who clings to her husband and holds him so close that she is mistaken for Meghan Markle, and he is mistaken for Prince Harry. Real love is not clingy but seeks to share the person you love with everyone you know.[17]
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Seventh, G FOR GIVE HIM
Of course, the very essence of love is giving. For God so loved the world that He gave. The Lord Jesus gave Himself for us. The Spirit Who indwells us gives to us grace and through us His personality as the fruit of the Spirit.[18] And a godly wife gives her husband what? She gives him “a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” First Peter 3.4, and she gives him respect and admiration, First Peter 3.6, in addition to providing to him herself, First Corinthians 7.2-5. But that is not all.
When Susanna Spurgeon delivered her twin sons to the world-famous 19th-century London preacher, Charles Spurgeon, it broke her health. She was only rarely able to attend Church after her sons were born. As her husband’s fame grew and he received more and more invitations to preach elsewhere, places she could not go, she grew resentful and developed a bitter and grasping spirit. She and her husband gradually became distant from each other the more she sought to cling to him. He rightly felt she was holding him back. Then, a Christian friend approached her and rebuked her for not entirely giving herself to her husband and giving up her husband to the cause of Christ. “Only you can give others the great Spurgeon,” she was told. The result? God broke her heart; she repented and became a graciously giving wife to the great Spurgeon. Her love caused her to share her man with others and be blessed by him. Due to her sweet spirit, her husband began declining invitations to spend more time with her and their sons. The lesson? “Give, and it shall be given unto you,” Luke 6.38.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Eighth, H FOR HELP HIM
Eve was described as Adam’s help, in Genesis 2.18 and 20. Interestingly, the nineteen other times in the Old Testament that same Hebrew word is used it is in connection with the God of Israel either being or sending help to His people.[19]
Astonishing. God calls a man’s wife to help him in a way parallel to God’s help of the children of Israel in the Old Testament. You certainly don’t want to take the comparison too far, but what a woman who claims to be a Christian forfeits who distorts the ministry God has called her to in favor of seeking her agenda, throttling her husband’s growth and development by being a selfish and clingy wife, and interfering with God’s development of her man into a wise, knowledgeable, respected, discreet, and venerable saint of God over time.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Ninth, I FOR INFORM HIM
Is it not a familiar refrain for men to be puzzled by their wife’s displeasure and refusal to tell them what is wrong? “Honey, is everything okay?” “Everything is fine.” “Hey, babe. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” “Everything is fine.” However, everything is not okay, and she is holding a grudge and punishing him for what he does not yet know by giving him the silent treatment. I have known wives who brag about doing that.
I submit to you that such desperate and demonic games should be beneath Christian wives with their husbands. I do not doubt that most husbands would lose most mind game battles with their wives. But I also contend that that kind of mind game nonsense is never appropriate.
The pattern for both men and women should be to speak the truth in love, Ephesians 4.15. Anything less than this is childish and spiritually immature at best. What about love covering a multitude of sins, James 5.20 and First Peter 4.8?
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Tenth, J FOR JOIN HIM
Some of you remember my good friend and evangelist Jim Cook. I had him preach at both of my pastorates over the years and learned that he had a particular way of complimenting Christian wives with high praise. He would say about a wife he admired regarding her husband, “She likes what he loves.”
That describes a wise woman who appreciates that there is no need for her always to love what her husband loves, but there is wisdom in liking what he loves. Does it not reflect that God has made of two one flesh for a wife to engage in her husband’s world appropriately?
Here is an illustration from the days of department stores. Remember when ladies went to the lingerie department and men, for the most part, stayed out of those areas? Men are typically uncomfortable on women’s turf. But when men went to the sporting goods or tools department, no woman felt uncomfortable accompanying her man. Not that she liked it, but it wasn’t awkward for her. This is because wives fit into their husband’s world far easier than husbands fit into their wives’ world, so join him rather than insist he join you.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Eleventh, K FOR KEEP HIM
The phrase “keepers at home” in Titus 2.5 translates the term oἰkouroύs and refers to discharging household duties and obligations. Proverbs 31.13-37 describes a woman who is successful in business ventures, while simultaneously “She looketh well to the ways of her household.”
Thus, housekeeper and homemaker are responsibilities to be discharged by wives and not husbands, women and not men, even if her activities outside the home are pressing. What is the important thing over the long haul in your marriage, ladies? Keeping a good home for him.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Twelfth, L FOR LOVE HIM
Here is a bit of a shocker for many contemporary women regarding being a good wife and mother. Titus 2.4-5 reads,
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
So many wives imagine that they know how to love their husbands, even after growing up in profoundly dysfunctional homes with severely disturbing fathers and cowering moms. They mistake passion, appreciation, and good intentions for their good man for love when it is not.
My proof? This passage reveals that Christian women, wives, and mothers must be taught how to love their husbands and children. Unless they are sober (verse 4) and obedient to their own husbands (verse 5), they have not been so taught.
This is not something women typically discover on their own but must be trained by aged women who have learned from the pastor, and from older women. By the time a woman picks up on the essentials of loving her husband and loving her children, if she ever does, her marriage is half over and her children have reached adulthood. Learning on your own takes far too long.
For you to love your man, you have to be trained to love him. You do not and cannot love your man the Bible way without being taught. Hence, the importance of discipleship in a local Church setting. Do you want to love your husband? Then, get started learning how.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Thirteenth, M FOR MAGNIFY HIM
The English word magnify is found three times in the New Testament, twice translating megalύnoo and once translating doxάzoo.[20] Megalύnw refers to speaking highly of something,[21] and doxάzoo has to do with praising and honoring.[22] There is obvious overlap in the meanings of those words.
Interestingly, of the fifteen times the Hebrew word for magnify is used in the Old Testament,[23] it is first used with God’s promise to magnify Joshua in the sight of all Israel as He had magnified Moses, that God was with him.
I see no reason why God did not make use of means to accomplish that, with God prompting Joshua’s familiars to magnify him to the people he led as a man who walked with God. Dear wife, that same privilege is yours so long as your husband walks with God.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Fourteenth, N FOR NURTURE HIM
The English word nurture is found in Ephesians 6.4, where we read that fathers are to raise their children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Wives, you are most certainly not to do that!
Too many wives mother their husbands rather than wife them, with their husbands being like their eldest child rather than the head of the house and the least mature adult in the room. By nurture, I refer to providing assistance, help, support, and standing by your man.[24]
When he drops the ball, please do not pick up the ball he is supposed to carry and advance down the field yourself. When you do that, you are only demonstrating that he is not needed. But he is needed. Therefore, do not mother your husband like a child, but nurture him as your adult male husband and mate.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Fifteenth, O FOR OBSERVE HIM
Without in any way diminishing the importance and significance of the Biblical directive for a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge and to honor her, First Peter 3.7, it is also profoundly important for women to study the men in their lives, especially wives studying their husbands and daughters studying their fathers.
Why so? To employ the mechanism God has provided not only wives and daughters for influencing husbands and fathers without undermining their authority, but everyone else with authority figures in our lives, the Biblical appeal.
To appeal to your husband to make a new decision based on new information, you must have the Right Standing, the Right Basis, the Right Timing, the Right Information, the Right Attitude, use the Right Words, and be ready with the Right Response to his decision because it is his decision and not yours. That needs to be understood.
Such is impossible without observing him to know him, read him, understand him, learn him, submit to him, and so forth, without manipulating him. Your appeal should seek his benefit as well as yours, not your benefit apart from his.
Should not a Christian husband expect this from his Christian wife?
Maybe that is enough for you to swallow this morning. Maybe it is so much that you will choke on it. I don’t know.
If you would like to speak to me privately about these things, each one of these points could have been not just an entire sermon but a series of messages saturated with Bible truths and illustrations.
I am confident I am reflecting the totality of God’s truth for wives as it relates to the husbands, though in a very superficial way because of time limits.
I want what is best for you in your marriage and home. I want your husband to be happy, you to be happy, and your children to be well-raised.
So, I pray that you will consider these issues and not only make them serious matters of prayer but that you will make whatever has to happen to get you from where you are to where you need to be by God’s grace.
It may be that you need to come to Christ, and once you come to Christ, you need to be determined to occupy the complementary role in your marriage that God has decreed, not that feminists desire.
__________
[1] Deuteronomy 19.14; 27.17; Proverbs 22.28; 23.10
[2] Matthew 7.26
[3] https://www.google.com/search?q=who+is+more+unhappy+in+marriage&oq=who+is+more+unhappy+in+marriage&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCQgAEEUYORiABDINCAEQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAIQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAMQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAQQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAUQABiGAxiABBiKBTIKCAYQABiABBiiBDIKCAcQABiABBiiBDIKCAgQABiABBiiBNIBCDYxMThqMGo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
[4] Ibid.
[5]A coup d’état (/,ku:det’ta:/; French: [ku deta]; lit. ‘stroke of state’), or simply a coup, is typically an illegal and overt attempt by a military organization or other government elites to unseat an incumbent leadership. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2024/07/24/us/politics/harris-biden-republican-reactions.html and https://www.newsweek.com/bloodless-coup-joe-biden-will-not-work-out-well-democrats-opinion-1930493
[6] Galatians 4.6-7
[7] 1 Peter 2.11
[8] 1 Corinthians 4.1-2; Matthew 24.13; Mark 13.13; 2 Thessalonians 1.4; 2 Timothy 4.5; James 5.11; 1 Peter 2.19
[9] Ephesians 4.11-12
[10] Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 1996), page 19.
[11] Ibid., page 12.
[12] 1 Samuel 25.2-42
[13] Proverbs 19.13; 21.9, 19; 25.24; 27.15
[14] Acts 2.40; 2 Corinthians 9.5; 1 Thessalonians 4.1; 5.14; 2 Thessalonians 3.12; 1 Timothy 2.1; 6.2; 2 Timothy 4.2; Titus 1.9; 2.6, 15; Hebrews 3.13; 1 Peter 5.1; Jude 3
[15] Bauer, Danker, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature, (Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press, 2000), pages 766-767.
[16] 1 Corinthians 14.35
[17] 1 Corinthians 13.5
[18] Galatians 5.22-23
[19] Exodus 18.4; Deuteronomy 33.7, 26, 29; Psalm 20.2; 33.20; 70.5; 89.19; 115.9, 10, 11; 121.1, 2; 124.8; 146.5; Isaiah 30.5; Ezekiel 12.14; Daniel 11.34; Hosea 13.9
[20] Megalύnoo is in Luke 1.46 and Acts 10.46, with doxάzoo found in Romans 11.13.
[21] Bauer, page 623.
[22] Ibid., page 258.
[23] Joshua 3.7; Job 7.17; 19.5; Psalm 34.3; 35.26; 38.16; 55.12; 69.30; Isaiah 10.15; 42.21; Ezekiel 38.23; Daniel 8.25; 11.36, 37; Zechariah 12.7
[24] Roget’s Thesaurus Of Synonyms & Antonyms, (Miami, Florida: P. S. I. & Associates, Inc., 1988 Edition), 707.
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