Calvary Road Baptist Church
“STUNG BY A SHARP REBUKE”
Titus 1.13
A Church member and I were enjoying a nice lunch several years ago when I offhandedly asked him how he liked the Fathers Day message I had preached the Sunday morning before. I noticed the smile leave his face when he said, “It ruffled me a bit.” I then asked him, “Do you think I was too hard on you?” He said, “Yes, I do.” Then I said, “Great. May I have your permission to relate your response to people in my message tomorrow night?” I then thanked him for permitting me to relate his reaction the following Sunday night. I am more than sure he was not alone in thinking I had been a bit rough on guys that Sunday morning.
Let me quote myself verbatim from a couple of portions of that Sunday morning’s message and let me see if I can stir the pleasant memories of that message in the distant recesses of your minds. At one point, I said, “Do you think it is a healthy thing for a boy to ask permission of his mom all the time instead of his dad’s permission? Or do we find that mom does not realize how important it is for her son to become more manly by dealing with his father?” “But I can’t talk to my dad.” Deal with it.
Dads have always been more difficult to talk to than moms because they are dads. They do not nurse infants. They typically are not as tender as mothers. They certainly occupy a different role in the home. And they, dads I mean, represent God in the home.
We all understand that these can be profoundly emotionally charged issues to wrestle with, so I beg your indulgence to approach the issue with me on a factual basis rather than on an emotional basis. I would not deny or seek to minimize the pain frequently associated with the issues I will be touching on, only that the pain a person has experienced is not always best dealt with in a sermon. Thank you for understanding.
Setting aside any consideration of someone who is an inhumane dad, fathers need to insist that their children, especially their sons, deal with them more and more as they get older, with moms endorsing the need for dealing with dad more and more as a child grows. How will a girl deal with her husband if she cannot deal with her dad? And how effeminate is a boy who cannot look his dad in the eye and deal with him about important matters?”
I know a guy who is so sideways with his father that text messages to his phone are read and responded to by his wife rather than by him. And it’s his father. I know grown men who are so uncomfortable with their fathers that they will remain in a separate room with a group of women and children rather than join in with dad and dad’s friends in the next room. And no one thinks that’s abnormal? Underdeveloped? Perhaps even effeminate? How does a wife admire a husband who acts like that? That’s four-year-old behavior that is a direct result of a mother allowing her son to hide behind her skirt when she should have demanded that her son interact with his father while growing up. That boy now a husband behaves more like his wife’s oldest child than his wife’s husband.
If you have a great memory and were reacting to those words as I recalled them, you may have been too distracted in your thoughts to digest what I said next: “Dad? You represent God, the Father, in the home, in one sense. Therefore, you need to be something like Him. Son? Your father’s relationship to you in the home parallels the spiritual relationship you have, or need to have, with God, the Father. You cannot imagine the difficulties you will have in the spiritual realm if you find yourself incapable of dealing with your dad about important matters.”
I still maintain the truth of that comment. Toward the end of that long ago delivered sermon I made another statement that was a calculated rebuke: “The key to Western culture’s slide into the confusing abyss of Christian feminization, in my opinion, is Proverbs 31.3, where Lemuel’s mother advised him, ‘Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.’ Yet there is evidence abounding that men everywhere give their strength to women and their ways to that which destroys kings, all the while vigorously defending their effeminacy. No man is more aggressive than when he is justifying his weakness with women.”
The last two sentences bear repeating because they are so very true: “... there is evidence abounding that men everywhere give their strength to women and their ways to that which destroys kings, all the while vigorously defending their effeminacy. No man is more aggressive than when he is justifying his weakness with women.”
I spoke those words years before reading Diane West’s well-researched book, The Death Of The Grown-Up, where she writes some real zingers. Let me read several of her statements to you:
“Worth noting is that the first generation to lose its collective nerve this way and cede control of the mainstream to up and coming ‘youth culture’ was the so-called Greatest Generation, the one that had just won World War II.”[1]
“‘The homes of yesteryear were adult-centered. Today we have the child-centered home...’ ‘What worries us is not the greater freedom of youth but rather the abdication of rights and privileges of adults for the convenience of the immature...’ ‘It’s the parents who don’t say “no”!’”[2]
“In his magisterial history of Western civilization, Jacques Barzun makes note of ‘the loss of nerve typical of periods of decadence.’”[3]
“Central to the surrender of the adult, then, was the collapse of the parent.”[4]
Though not a Christian book, there is much in what Diana West’s research reveals that explains a great deal of what is happening in our culture at large as I speak.
We all know men who, either as a dad with sons who find it difficult to deal with their fathers or as a son who finds it very challenging to deal with his father. If you know someone who might be stung by my rebuke regarding sons’ dealings with their fathers, please listen carefully. I have felt the sting of my rebukes myself. Therefore, I understand by experience that the sting of a rebuke comes from the truth that is in it. We all know someone who grew up in a broken home, or perhaps in an intact home with a mother and father who engaged in a lifelong conflict and the child was caught in the middle of it. Perhaps you know how difficult it is to deal with an absent father on the one hand or a volatile and opinionated father in the home on the other hand. Okay, so what? Perhaps you know a father who is neither volatile nor opinionated. Yet, he may still be virtually impossible to deal with.
What a father is or is not like is, for the most part, besides the point. Regardless of what kind of dad you had or have, or someone’s dad you know is or was, you and he are still commanded to honor your father for the position your father, or his father, occupies in God’s economy. As well, you and those you know still have to negotiate the impressions and emotions related to your relationship with the man who is your father because your dealings with your father (or father figure) affect your concept of God, your ability to deal with a pastor, your ability to function as a husband, and your ability to deal with your children—interested in being a dad who has lost his nerve? Want to be a parent who cannot say “No” to your children?
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that your father is an evil and entirely uncooperative man. He still affects every area of your life, whether you want him to or not. Therefore, unless and until you come to grips with certain things concerning your father, you will have a tangled mess to deal with in all your other relationships. The experiences of my life have made me aware of the health and welfare of marriages in which either the husband or the wife has or had insurmountable difficulties dealing with their fathers. Thus, what I said before I want to state again: You must have dealings with your father, even if you never reach a harmonious accord with him.
And yes, if you cannot deal with him, no matter how loudly he roars or unpleasant he is, it reflects in some way on a boy’s path to manliness. Though it is a topic for another sermon, if you are a woman, your relationship with your father cannot but affect your womanliness.
I have known men whose fathers were beastly toward them, their mothers, their sisters, and inhumane in their dealings with others. Despite the brutality and wickedness of such despicable men, the child of God can experience victory by firmly and graciously dealing with that individual who is your father, as God provides grace and wisdom. And God does provide grace and wisdom.
Those things said, let me now turn to the matter of being rebuked, and how you respond when you are rebuked. My text is in Titus 1.13. I invite you to find that passage and stand for the reading of God’s Word. There are two sentences in that short verse; our concern is with the second sentence:
“Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith.”
The Apostle Paul, writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, directed Titus to sharply rebuke the Christians on the island of Crete, the purpose being to ensure that they might remain sound in the faith. Thus, under certain conditions, it is appropriate for a spiritual leader to sharply rebuke Christians as a divinely ordained means of enhancing their Christian lives. Notice that Paul did not urge Titus to rebuke them loudly, or to rebuke them abusively, or to humiliate them by rebuking them.
“Wherefore rebuke them sharply.”
Let us consider this topic of sharply rebuking Christians that they may be sound in the faith:
First, WHO IS PROPERLY CALLED ON TO REBUKE CHRISTIANS
Take note of the relative ages of Titus compared to Timothy. It becomes interesting to observe that Paul instructed Titus to rebuke some people sharply, and both Titus and Timothy are encouraged to be gentle as a general matter, of course, when dealing with people. Why the difference? Why did Paul never direct Timothy to rebuke anyone sharply? There are two likely answers: First, it may be that Timothy did not face the same types of issues that needed a sharp rebuke, whereas Titus did. Different congregations can have very different personalities, as the seven Churches in Revelation, chapters two and three, illustrate. Or, and this is my opinion, Timothy’s youthfulness restricted his ability to rebuke people. In other words, there are things people will more readily take from someone older and more experienced than they would not ordinarily be willing to receive from someone relatively young and inexperienced. First Timothy 4.12, where Paul writes, “Let no man despise thy youth,” and First Timothy 5.1, where we read, “Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren,” both seem to be cautions to Timothy that urge upon him more considerable restraint due to his youth than would need to be exercised by the older man, Titus.
This seems to bear out when you examine Paul’s behavior as a seasoned and mature man of God. The entire first Corinthian letter that he wrote to address several different Church problems is an extremely sharp rebuke of an whole congregation. Yet, it produced the heartfelt repentance that was reported in Second Corinthians. Then there was Paul’s public confrontation with Simon Peter. In Galatians 2.11 he wrote,
“But when Peter was come to Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed.”
His actual words are powerful and direct, no doubt causing a great deal of public embarrassment for Peter. You can read the rest of Galatians chapter two when you get home to see for yourself. You will notice that, although Peter was the more experienced Christian and apostle, he humbly received the decisive rebuke from Paul as a seasoned Christian he respected and admired.
Next, THE KIND OF REBUKE THAT IS CALLED FOR
Please turn to Second Timothy 3.16 and read with me:
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.”
Now turn to 4.2:
“Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.”
Is there any doubt that these two verses clearly show that the Word of God, when properly used, is to be an instrument for reproving people? The Greek words used in Titus 1.13 and Second Timothy 3.16 and 4.2 are closely related, one being á¼”legcoV and the other being á¼lá½³gcw. The one word refers to pointing out someone’s wrongdoing, and the other has to do with expressing disapproval of someone’s improper conduct.[5]
Now turn to Galatians 6.1:
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”
Keep in mind that meekness does not suggest the absence of directness or boldness. Still, a recognition of one’s fragile nature, this verse authorizes believers to address the issues and problems that we see in other Christian’s lives.
Thus, in light of my position, in light of my age and experience, in light of my recognition of my difficulties dealing with my father and being dealt with as a father, and in light of me seeing a multitude overtaken in this fault concerning your fathers, I stand by my decision to sharply rebuke you during a Sunday morning message from God’s Word.
Please take note that my sharp rebuke was not conveyed to you in a harsh or condemning tone but to convey concern and compassion to help you address a spiritual matter that is harmful to you. And, except for lifting my voice when preaching, I do not raise my voice when dealing with any Church member. Never have.
Third, YOUR RESPONSE TO A SHARP REBUKE
I suggest we turn from one passage to another and allow the Bible to speak for itself before I comment further:
Proverbs 9.8:
“Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.”
Proverbs 13.1:
“A wise son heareth his father’s instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke.”
Proverbs 27.5:
“Open rebuke is better than secret love.”
Ecclesiastes 7.5:
“It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.”
It becomes apparent that one’s response to a rebuke reveals a great deal. If you have been rebuked and you become enraged or infuriated, if you vent and spew invective rather than looking for the small diamond of truth somewhere in the pile that was dumped on you, then you might be a petulant child or a fool.
If, on the other hand, amid your great angst and the churning emotion that frequently accompanies a stern rebuke, you learn something, you gain something, and you can appreciate some benefit from the painful rebuke, then maybe there’s some hope for you after all.
Have I angered you on a Sunday morning? Did I upset you in any way? Were my comments disturbing and provocative? The answers to those questions are far less important than these. Did you learn anything? Were you challenged to do something you now realize you should do? Are you now aware of how your relationship with your own dad affects virtually every other relationship, so you have to work on your relationship with your dad? Good.
One Final Point Before We Conclude. SOME OTHER BENEFITS OF A SHARP REBUKE
Second Timothy 2.3:
“Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.”
Could Timothy be a capable soldier of the cross apart from developing mental toughness? No. Can you become mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tough enough for the task if your only experiences in life are gentle and soft? Again, no.
First Thessalonians 2.7:
“But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children.”
Keep in mind that when Paul wrote these words, the Thessalonian believers were very young babes in Christ. However, when that same Paul severely criticized the Corinthians and Simon Peter, he was dealing with people who were supposed to be spiritually experienced. The question is, are you mature enough to stand some real criticism, some strong words, a stinging rebuke? Your reaction will reveal a great deal.
In First Corinthians 9.7, Second Corinthians 10.4, and First Timothy 1.18, Paul likens the Christian life to warfare. Let me quickly read those verses to you:
9.7"
"Who goeth a warfare any time at his own charges?"
10.4:
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds."
1.18:
"This charge I commit unto thee, son Timothy, according to the prophecies which went before on thee, that thou by them mightest war a good warfare."
Beloved, we are in a war. Is that not obvious from what we see happening in our country and other parts of the world? As well, why else would we need to put on the whole armor of God, Ephesians 6.11? That being the case, can we afford to be so emotionally soft, so thin-skinned, so psychically fragile, that we are blown away by strong words that are based upon Bible truth? I do not think so.
I close with a frightening set of true stories. In World War II, both the Japanese and the Germans used whole divisions of combat personnel to guard American prisoners of war in their custody, due to the bravery of our men shown by their continual attempts to escape from the prison camps they were held in. Only five years later, when most of the soldiers who served in Korea were men whose fathers had been off to war from 1942-1946, thereby depriving them of the finishing touches to rearing them to manhood that only men can accomplish with boys, I know of no American serviceman attempting to escape from a North Korean or Chinese prison camp. That tragic development in our national character in only five years.
When I served in the United States Air Force Academy, the third-year cadets spent each summer experiencing a simulated prison camp environment. Keeping in mind that it is illegal to harm our military personnel, the only real challenge the cadets faced was sleep deprivation. Plenty of food and water, but they were not allowed to sleep. At the end of a week, only one of the more than one thousand third-class cadets in the simulated prison camp environment continued to refuse to sign a paper admitting to being a war criminal. And that was in a fake camp operated by fellow USAFA cadets! Want to know what the cadets did to the one cadet who stood tall and did not cave in? They completely ostracized him. For the rest of his career at the United States Air Force Academy, he was not spoken to unless it was required in the course of duty.
That illustrates that the bad generally work to drag the good down to their level. The same is typically true in the spiritual realm. Do you see why we have to learn to properly receive even harsh rebukes, why we must not be so fragile that criticism blows us away?
Beloved, we are in a war. We are soldiers of the cross. We need to develop our mental toughness. Though a great deal of that toughness is learned through the course of your Christian life and when being dealt with by your pastor and other Church members, much of it comes from actually dealing with your father, painful as that process may happen to be.
Buddy, is your dad tough to deal with? Don’t bellyache about it to the girls. Talk about it with the boys, so long as you do so in respectful tones. I predict that most of you will find that many others face just about as many difficulties dealing with their dads as you have.
Have you taken note of the millennial snowflake phenomenon in our present culture? It is the tendency of one generational cohort to fall completely apart when they face someone who disagrees with them in any way. Though the millennials are accused of being snowflakes, where do you think they learned to react that way? They learned it from their Baby Boomer parents, who still are demonstrably incapable of properly receiving and responding to even the mildest rebuke.
One more comment, and we are through. In the military, you used to be yelled at in a harsh tone of voice during basic training. Not so much anymore. However, the proper response is to deal with it. Just deal with it. At home, you might, on occasion, have been yelled at by an angry father while you are growing up. Deal with it. Used to be at work (again, not so much anymore), some bosses or foremen would get pretty loud when they were chewing out one of their guys. Deal with it.
The sharp rebuke referred to in the Word of God refers to pointed words spoken in a direct manner. A sharp rebuke by a Christian to a Christian that involves yelling, or screaming, or red-faced up close and in your face anger, is profoundly counterproductive and I am unaware of such an approach being sanctioned in Scripture, ever. That conduct is simply uncalled for.
That said, should the experience of you being improperly rebuked sharply forever put you off of rebuking someone sharply in a Biblical way, to achieve Scriptural ends? Or being open to being rebuked sharply in a Biblical way yourself? I certainly hope not.
I speak not of screaming and yelling at anyone. You understand that. Right? Good. Setting aside the wrong way of doing something, are you so unconcerned about the example you set for others, or the usefulness you might have when properly rebuking others, that you will forever swear off sharply rebuking someone? Dear Lord, I hope not.
Grow up.
Man up.
Step up.
Plan now to humbly respond when someone feels the need to sharply rebuke you. Which is to say, feels the need to approach you and courageously try to correct you when they think you are wrong. Be man enough that you can be approached in that way without having a tantrum. And purpose to be courageous enough to rebuke someone sharply who you think needs it. Not by screaming or yelling. By seriously and in determined fashion telling a brother in Christ that he is off base, out of line, veering wide of the mark, and it will harm him and his Church if he fails to properly address the matter.
Beloved, it may be that you and I know people who will never darken this Church’s doors because they have somehow been offended. God help us to never be the cause of that with anyone. And in a way you might never have imagined, you can help those who are younger to never let that happen by yourself being open and receptive to being rebuked yourself.
__________
[1] Diana West, The Death Of The Grown-Up: How America’s Arrested Development Is Bringing Down Western Civilization, (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2008), page 26.
[2] Ibid., page 33.
[3] Ibid., page 55.
[4] Ibid., page 57.
[5] Bauer, Danker, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature, (Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press, 2000), page 315.
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Pastor@CalvaryRoadBaptist.Church